My first post and what do I say? The afternoon is melting on the other side of the cream lace curtains flanked by dark ruby drapes, and my daughter is playing gentle Satie on the piano, all is too quiet. I guess I've created this space to vent my need to contemplate in an overt way my thoughts and feelings, and to express myself in a way I cannot otherwise do in my life.
Here I am a middle-aged woman, too many opportunities missed, too many opportunities not offered, a life sacrificed to others, yet not generous enough. A life wasted in many respects: tolerating, foregoing, labouring, fussing, and missing out on all the good things that many take for granted.

I'm not ready, nor am I designed, to fade away, gardening myself into a grave, transplanting the azaleas or weeding the borders. A vegie patch is all I will maintain while I am still looking for a purpose in life for myself.

This week I watched may shows about the gentle Amish and I am torn. Do I respect the fact that they can find contentment in submission, in the simple things, that they are not looking for self-fulfilment, but are finding it where they find themselves? Or do I scorn them for boxing themselves and others into a small space? Naturally I cannot accept the idea of a deity so I do not consider that aspect of their lives. Yet how much more capable are their children, how easily do they look and learn and understand and see things we do not. How easily do they turn their hand to whatever is required. How easily do they use every hour of each precious day. How easily do they share company and give of themselves. How much more dignified is their life, compared with the spoilt, tired, incapable, frustration-ridden, unsatisfied, selfish youth who roll out of bed at midday to post themselves at their computers and haunt the streets at night seeking purpose in no purpose, drunk and drug-ridden. How do we achieve the former, while at the same time looking to the stars, rather than our own feet? It is become a world of extremes, with few having the innate sense or strength to follow a logical road. And so must we use our resources to mop up what the incapable produce in a world empty of instruction.

Today I should be glad that it was warmer, that I have eaten well, that I am in good health, that I have a job and sturdy, clever children with bright futures. For this I don't thank a god - I thank the people around me who have the good sense to not subscribe to petty conflicts that become wars in the name of a deity, to those who have struggled and still do, to promote the cause of shared resources, curiosity and education, for it is they who have brought the peace and civilisation that we so enjoy. Thank you clever people.